Seriously people have to learn to shut the fuck up

I am going to post again because people have actually pissed me off. People are really saying that Cory or any other person who has died of a drug overdose should not be a role model. I understand people have their own opinion...but seriously??? These people obviously don't know how fucking hard it is to have an addiction, live with one or live with someone who has one. My ex had a bad addiction and I stood by him for many ups and downs and everything in between. It was not easy and we only drifted apart when he did not want to be helped and there was nothing more I could do. 

First before people get started on me...I have had an addiction (to many other things)...a legal addiction to pain killers.But who cares I was one of the very lucky ones who can over come it. I can even have these same pills that caused my addiction in my room in case of major pain and they are all accounted for. The worst is the withdrawals. You feel your life slips away and just one bad choice, 1 second of vulnerability and you are fucked. In my case the pills were thrown out...you name it, it was out of the house. My ex tried to get me back to doing them but i refused and I stated clean. somebody had too...especially for the sake of his kid. I'm now sitting as a professional writer, figure skater, figure skating coach (getting full license soon) and doing very well in school.

Yes, there are many...many...many ups and downs but that doesn't mean it wasn't hard. I have little kids who look up to me and sometimes I do think. Why? If they knew what my life was like? But then I sit down and realize they are in my life to be guided I can guide them around everything I went through.  

So if Cory, or Michael, Amy, Whitney or any other famous person who died from drugs, it's to show money cant by everything. They aren't happy but they still went on their daily lives. They tried to get help but they were not lucky. These people are role models in such way to have others aware that addictions are a disease and can open eyes for others to get help. 

So in other words...people who are talking about this...shut the fuck up and live your own life. There are so many people who have overcame everything and just a few who didn't...those few happened to be in the spotlight. 

Updatessss

I have no idea what to write, but I really feel like I should....hmmm, so this could be short.  I am enjoying the single life. Everything has been mutual but for physical and mental health it was good. It was starting to be a repeat of my old relationship and not something I need to go through again. 

Skating is going pretty well right now. No I haven't passed any tests since Decembers silver interpretation but I can feel the gym, eating right is really helping on my performance. Next week is the start of my 5 days a week 4 hours a day. I am quite excited about it. 

I cannot wait to go back to school in August. It's time...I have been off since May. I am ready to make this year...well what is left a really good one. I signed up for university but there is a chance I will be going too...like extended years to get the courses I need so I don't have to be there forever.

Anywho life is good so far...lots of cleaning and shopping. Xoxox

<3

My heart goes out to the family, friends, fans of Cory Monteith (Finn from Glee) who died of a drug overdose mixed with alcohol. 

Now I don't usually do posts about celebrities but under some circumstances which I will explain I felt the need too. 

Cory had been on and off drugs for a couple of years. I don't know how long or any of the details but I keep reading comments on how people don't understand ones secret battle. The guy I have loved is a drug user. He's used drugs on and off for 19 years, and tried to get help several times. In the 3 years I've known him he had 3 rehab stints and two overdoses. 

Yes he was and kept clean several months but then he would get worse and worse. Sometimes it is too late for people to recover and I believe that. Something else besides rehab has to be done. Get drugs off the street, penalize the people selling them. They kill millions a year and only the famous people get recognized. 

People have asked how it is possible not to know that they have fallen off the bandwagon. There are situations that it is not possible. I can't explain it, but when my friend fell off the last time I did not know.   He wasn't acting much different so I never knew until he started snapping at me and completely went insane.  

So in all honesty I guess why I hurt so much for Cory's girlfriend lea is because I went through this. I went through the pain of watching someone fade. She lost the man she loved, I did too..not the same way but I understand.

Abusive and obsessive relationships.

For some reason I have been asked to post about this several times, and I figured...I should. I wont say why, or who asked me but here it is. This post is more serious on abusive and obsessive relationships. There are many warning signs people, LEARN AND MEMORIZE THEM. They could save your life or the life of someone you really care about. 90% is taken from personal experiences that I or a friend has been through, 

1) Denial....this is a huge deal. I know, I have been through this...not just with relationships but with life. If someone hurts you don't deny it. If someone asks you about it and you are not around your partner...tell them the truth. They only want to help and they won't judge. If someone knows what you are going through, you will be less likely to get out more hurt. If you are around your partner and they are suspicious, don't say ANYTHING until you are alone with that person. That is the biggest mistake someone can make...if the partner finds out, they can get hurt. If it gets to a point where someone is really banged up, any physical or even emotional abuse...get out..see a neighbour, friend or family member and call the cops. 

2) Jealousy...biggest no-no in a relationship. Yes it is normal to get jealous if a girl is seen talking to another guy or vice versa....but I had a relationship with one guy and he was extremely jealous. He wouldn't let me talk to any guys...even if I had known them longer than I knew him. He would try and check my phone to see who I was texting. The worst part was when it got to a point where he started getting jealous of not only the guys but as well as the girls including when I had a female coach who I saw 2x a week. That's when I broke up with him...

The guy who I dated right after seb, was not so bad. He was jealous but not with people (I will explain later). He however did always stay around me when someone was around...but I was never sure if this was because he was friends with them too or because we were always together. He did let me skate with a male coach alone, not being there and trusted me...

3) Controlling behaviour is what Seb had. I don't even think I have enough space to right all the controlling behaviour problems he had so I will explain 2..one he had full control of my schedules...except school but he'd make sure he knew my whole entire schedule. He knew my coaching, skating and every other schedule and he'd make his schedule with mine. I did not mind at first because I did not see this as a big no-no but it was. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY OF YOUR OWN SCHEDULE. DON'T LET SOMEONE MAKE IT FOR YOU...because this happens. 

We went on long car rides, spend hours on end at arenas and went arena hopping....and I know most of you know how much I hate public bathrooms and rarely use them unless it is a dire emergency. Well he knew that too...and yet the long trips, car rides, hours at the arenas he did not let me go pee when I really had too. A few times my bladder was close to bursting because of him. And I think he enjoyed it. He even told me he'd rather see me piss myself then let me use the bathroom. Of course long car rides I understood but when we stood on the ice for hours that's what pissed me off. Those few times he would let me go was when he had to go or he stood outside the bathroom. And yet...I still did not see this as a problem. But PEOPLE IT IS!!!! Controlling partner, GET OUT, MANY OTHERS OUT THERE!!!!!!!

4) Violence....this is my final post...this was not about Seb, about another guy...I was with the guy (same one who was over jealous)....and he was violent. I should have been able to tell right away just by how he spoke on the phone to his mother he was not right in the head. Always yelling at her talking back, hanging up on her. Yes this was a problem. When he'd get mad he'd punch random objects like lockers at school etc. It starts with objects, animals and people. Get out when you can. 

Some people know everything about my relationships. Yes you love them especially if you spend years with them. But if they show any of these four. Get out of that relationship before it Is too late. It hurts, trust me. I had many failed relationships especially after Seb but it won't hurt as much as if they were to hurt you in some way. Get out, find someone else. You don't deserve to be treated like this there is someone out there who will love you for you and not put you through this. 

Hope this helps xoxo. 

Top 5 hockey players

1) Jason Spezza(Ottawa Senators)  <3 always has and always will be. 

2) Simon Gagne (Philadelphia Flyers) 

3) Adam McQuaid (Boston Bruins) 

4) Kari Lehtonen (Dallas Stars) 

5) Anton Khudobin (Boston Bruins)....especially his accent

Clear up...

Hey all...today I went for coffee with Ryan and we actually traumatized an old couple. I feel really bad but at the same time it was hilarious. He knows I have issues with food from time to time and so when we go out he is very iffy with me leaving the table especially after I eat. But today at tim hortons we went and there was an old couple sitting in front of us. We finished eating and we were still drinking decaf coffee and I told him I really needed to pee. I was about to stand up and go and he told me to wait. (For anyone who knows me, I don't ever use public bathrooms...if i do like two or three times a year...ever since I was 13).and he started arguing with me and the old couple looked at us in horror. They actually believed he was not letting me go....but he did have a reason and they did not know the reason. I told him I could wait if he wanted too (he could see it in my eyes I couldn't) and the old woman turned red and she came over to us, gave us an evil stare and walked away. He told me to go and he was going to buy some more food. So dear old couple...we are deeply sorry, he is not a controlling guy. Lol 

loveee

Yooo lovers. I know my updating is not very good but if you have me on other social media besides this site you know it is very good. Just so much in so little time. I am currently on my phone (sorry for any spelling mistakes that will happen autocorrect is a bitch)  writing this post during game 5 of chicago and la hockey game.. 11:30pm and almost heading to second over time period. Crazy eh? Though am thrilled Boston has made it into the finals now it is to determine who they will play against. I love la kings but have a feeling it will be chicago. I kind of want to see LA (last years winner play the winner of the year before bruins) though 2 teams of first 6 (first time since 1970s) would be cool too. Im rooting for Boston no matter who makes the western conference.

Many questions I have been asked lately...or one in specific, is if I am dating anyone. No I am not. I am having trouble keeping a steady mind in relationships and end up hurting them more. So I have vowed not to get into one until I am fully healed from the past and an commited to get into one. Though I have so many amazing and understanding friends who are helping me so much and anything can happen.

Lately I have been suffering anxiety problems. Im not sure why. I know I've always suffered from this but never this bad. Breakdowns, changed eating habits etc. I think it was from my pills. The doctor tried to put me on birth control to help the pain with my endometriosis but after 3 days I was in the worst moods ever and I was hard to deal with. I did not even want to be around myself so I apologize to others who had to deal with me. After three days I stopped the pills which gave me three periods in the month of may and crazily a month later my emotions are still everywhere. I am going to try and fix the anxiety...but let me tell you I rather be in extreme pain then on those pills. Totally not worth it.

For skating. I tried my gold interpretive. Had a very good skate (best for that routine to date) wasnt good enough. But the hard work and dissappointment (even though I know it was a long shot) and skating right away after the test...was not a good idea. I was almost ready to quit but then I had to take a few days and think why I came this far and what I wanted to achieve. Even though im valid to judge in usa. I don't know if I wexant to judge or work even harder and get my coaching license. I know if I really want it anything is possible. I mean when I first started skating never thought I'd get this far. No im not landing doubles or triples but my favorite part to skating is the choreography and ecen dance. Like getting intothe character. I never thought I'd get to try a gold test and I did...now I want to pass it and show everyone that I can do this. Yes the anxiety is holding me back but I want to overcome this and be the best I can be. Got lots of work (one stroking even though i despise it) and more tests coming up. I know I can do this I just need to mentally prepare myself more.

(Almost midnight and going into period 5 of the gane ahhh)

Soooo I started writing again and published my 11th book. I fired my editor...puisher and publicist. They did not give me what I needed so I decised to take matters in my own hand. But when I saw what my editor did...made me think how my other books turned out. I know people been saying they are amazing but I fear opening and reading my own books. So one by one they are going to be re-evaluated and then republished Iif needed.

School...I did very well this semester with a 77% average between all my classes. I had an amazing semester met lots of amazing people. Even offeres the athletic program for next aemester which I turned down. I want to enjoy both school and skating with no stress...or very little

Also other news Sparky and Puss in Boots passed away after being sick for a long time. Not even five days between each other. I miss them so much ♥♥ Currently I have Pickles, Ozzie and Creepy. They get along pretty well and Ozzie sleeps with me every night.

Anyways that is it for me tonight. Period 5 is starting. I will try and update more night all xoxo